Escaping this world

The moon shines silver. It’s midnight and I am lifting weights in the garage. A helicopter cuts into the night sky somewhere in the distance.

Yesterday I saw a man laying face down in the street. I did nothing because I didn’t know him. When I walk outside I see the faces of strangers, and I stand alone in a crowd of millions of people. I am at war with the world. I miss the summer. I miss my old backyard. I miss not having to know things.

I don’t want to have to look into the faces of all these strangers. It is a war crime, it makes me feel uneasy. I did not evolve to see this many faces. I did not come this far just to be surrounded by frauds who have spent their entire lives trying to become something they are not. At least I had the courage to be a nobody. I want to be far away from them. I really do.

My neck hurts and it’s all I can think about. I think there is something wrong with it. Philosophy is the art of thinking about thinking, but right now all I can think about is my neck. When you’re injured, suddenly that becomes the only thing you can think about. I consider writing down a list of directions to my future children for how to navigate through this life, how to stay pure and uncorrupted, but I decide against it. I want to put more thought into it before I take to writing something so important.

I am a person who loves everything all at once. I would fight for all of it tomorrow morning if I knew how. I can never hate anyone who I once truly loved. I love being able to experience this life from my own perspective and see things from my own eyes. I love that there will only ever be one of these, and then never again. I love almost every aspect of existence. I’m happy I get to live this life with all its joys, it’s challenges, it’s pleasures, it’s boredoms, it’s frustrations. I think I loved a girl and maybe I will love one or two more.

I am glad I have been able to experience so many mornings and days and nights. I love the brilliance of humanity that has managed to create art and science and medicine and music and architecture and complex technologies that have allowed me to travel long distances so that I am able to know what it feels like to breathe in the air of the driest desert and even the most faraway islands. I love the open roads, I love the buildings along the bank of the Seine. I want to be the great protector. I want to be like Holden Caulfield, to stand against the world’s decay keep what is beautiful and true safe from the careless hands of those too numb to notice it. I want to live fiercely and fully without apology.

I want to annihilate everything that is evil and corrupt, so that what is beautiful and true may endure. I want to still have enough chaos in myself to be able to give birth to a dancing star. I want us all to be human again.